Billie Burke: Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.  Joan Rivers

Simone de Beauvoir: One is not born a woman, one becomes one.

 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. Mae West

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker

Rita Mae Brown: If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.

 They say that women over forty must choose between their face and their ass.  I choose my face because I can sit on my ass.Who said this?

Mary Bly: Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

 The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.Dorothy Parker

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. Rita Rudner

Tallulah Bankhead: (on seeing a former lover for the first time in years) I thought I told you to wait in the car.

 A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. Erma Bombeck

Elayne Boosler: When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner

Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. Fran Lebowitz

Eve Babitz: By the time I'd grown up, I naturally supposed that I'd grown up.

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. Margaret Thatcher

Ethel Barrymore: You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.