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Rants:  Smoking

I am not in favour of banning smoking in public places.

            It seems entirely fair to me that the poor, nicotine-dependent wretches who need to suck on a roll of burning vegetation in order to get through the day should be free to carry on until they die, miserably, drowning in tarry phlegm.  I would defend the right of anyone over 18 with a full box of marbles to choose their own way of ending their life.  (But just try to convince me that smoking is in any way cool, fashionable, sexy, or sophisticated.  Please, try.)

            No, I do not see that a ban on smoking in public places is the answer.  It’s too much of an infringement of our personal freedoms.  And it’s impractical.  You might as well try to ban farting in public.  For some people it’s a nuisance, for men it’s a league sport.

            I am, however, in favour of not breathing other people’s smoke in public places.  My solution to the problem permits the smokers to puff all the way to the emphysema ward, while the rest of us breathe air unpolluted by cigarette smoke. 

            I propose that every smoker be forced to wear a plastic globe - a Head Case- when they want to smoke around anyone else (Figure 1).  It would recycle the foul exhalations into clean air, allowing the smoker to partake of civilised society while maintaining their addiction.  It would also have the benefit of keeping one’s fag lit in heavy rain. 

            There are obvious branding opportunities that would soon turn the Head Case into a must-have accessory.  Drinks manufacturers like Absolut (clear, with a severe masculine profile) and Babycham (pale pink with bunny ears) would be the first to see the potential.  It wouldn’t be long before the mobile phone manufacturers teamed up to coordinate fascias with Head Cases – the best way to say to the world, ‘I’m hip, I’m cool, I can fry my brain and my lungs at the same time!’  Meanwhile, the NHS could produce a public sector model, made of thick plastic with heavy black seams.   

            One side effect would be to create a whole segment of the population that talks like Clare Short because the smoker would not be able to remove the cigarette from their mouth while smoking.  They would have to carry on all conversations with it clamped between their teeth, a collar of ash building up all around their neck.  

            There may be some of you reading this who think that this is a ridiculous, outrageous scenario.  Oh, really?  Bear in mind that we are talking about people who bought the whole ‘smoking is cool’ package.

Vanessa

 Coming next:  Why smack children when so many adults need it

Have another point of view?  Email us with your own rant.